I just want to get a few things off my mind and I’ll try to keep it short.
First, I am taking full responsibility for what’s been happening. It’s my fault, derived from my brain, for whatever dumb ass reason.
I’m not taking shots at you or placing any blame but in the several years that I’ve been on the “outside” trying to get in, there have been probably hundreds of times when either I’ve wanted or tried to have sex with you or just ended up looking stupid. A long, long time ago, when we were having breakfast at Gary’s with the kids, I specifically remember saying to you, “I just want more sex from you”. Remember? We put the kids in the car and talked right outside the car window?
There were times when I had hotels set up, never stepped foot in them. There were times when we went to hotels and did nothing but lay together when you knew that I wanted to have sex with you. There were even times when we were naked (or half naked) and then you changed your mind or decided that you didn’t want to cheat on him. I even specifically remember me driving to the shore in the middle of the night b/c you wanted me to come up there, I went down on you and then you said that I couldn’t have you and you kicked me out (basically). We were in some trailer or something.
We took that long drive to Florida, got a hotel room and did absolutely nothing. You were sick that night but the next morning could have been an option. You said you wanted a night off, we got a room in Alexandria, I got you five guys, wine and we went to sleep. I remember that I didn’t know if I should make a move or not in fear that you might say, “I don’t want to cheat on HIM”. Out of years and years of waiting and wanting you, I finally got Philly. The one and only time that everything went right. A real date, spent the night together, real sex. Aside from that, I cannot remember a real date during prime time or us spending the night together.
The last time that we had the “sex rematch” at the courtyard (before we stopped talking), I had to condition my brain for days. I remember telling you in the room while we were getting dressed, “If we don’t do something about us, I am moving to all white chicks”. So that’s what I did. Julie, Michelle, Adrienne, etc. All white.
My point is, I’m not entirely sure if I can take all of the blame for turning off my attraction for sex with us. There have been lots of times, through a lot of years, when you were being “good” and I had to change my way of thinking about you to be your friend. I’m not making excuses and I’m not trying to place any full blame on you but I can't take all of the blame either. I hope that you can understand this. We had nothing but sex for YEARS! You came back married and our sexual hurricane turned into lunches and a few passing drizzles. The hurricane that I wanted is now back but for years now I’ve adapted to the sunshine. My point is, if you truly think about it - you can’t be entirely shocked that my mind isn’t on point right now.
For the record, I love you more right now than I ever did. I see so many things in you and so much strength that I haven’t seen. Regardless of the argument between my mind and my dick, you are still my wife. There is no question of my attraction to you or about how you make me feel. Our latest dates have been the best on record and you still remain in a category with absolutely no one. Body, mind, spirit, strength, sexuality, everything.
I know that I am kinda lame right now for all of this but I’d like to make a proposal. I would like to continue to date, go out, learn more of these new things about each other and continue to take it slow like we should be taking it. Instead of ending dates trying to rape each other and both being disappointed, how about we just date and let it happen organically whenever it happens? No expectations.
If we keep going in this direction with the same ending, we will surely ruin our love for each other and maybe our friendship. I want to keep trying this with you and I don’t want to lose you for such bullshit. It may take me a minute to get out of “friendship/sunshine” mode and back to “sex partner/hurricane” mode but I want you! And I never want you to have to wonder if I do or not or make you feel stupid.
I love you more than ever and you’re still the girl of my dreams. If you want to stop dating or stay in friendship mode, find another person for your "special needs", I totally understand. I have given you my thoughts. That’s it.
Here is my email if you need to get something off your chest: firstname.lastname@example.org